TLC said it best: What about your friends? |Are they going to be around? Are they gonna’ let you down? Hey heeeyyy... (my bad, because after you read this, the song will be stuck in your head all day
). What makes a good friend, or even a BEST friend? Why do we feel the need to label the people in our lives based on their “closeness” to us? There is no official algorithm for deciding whether a friend is worth having or worth keeping. I stumbled across this topic while researching for an article for my job. I sifted through an article for brainiacs on the importance of friendship in childhood development from the University of Cambridge. Despite the fact that I had to read it several times to understand the jargon, it got my brain ticking about the standards that I hold my friends to and why. Where does it all come from? After gaining/losing many friends over the span of 25+ years, I started to wonder how other people decide who in their life is worth keeping and why, what standards they hold themselves to and how far they will go for a “friend”.
I hope to keep this as simple as possible; the subject can be quite complicated with many variables. Let’s start with the basic info: From an early age, children begin to socialize with their families. Family is more obligatory than voluntary, but still counts as being our first experience with socialization. Familial relationships can be some of the “strongest” and/or the most dysfunctional examples of friendship.
The word “friend” appears in most children’s vocabulary by age four, and the term “best friend” shortly after that. Friendships are, at early childhood, based on expectations that “best friends” spend more time together than regular friends, who in turn spend more time together than just acquaintances. And that’s at the most basic level. As we reach adolescence, we begin to believe that friends should be trusting, loyal, and intimate with each other.
Friendships serve as both emotional and cognitive assets that, if positive, promote self-awareness and self-esteem. Evidence shows that children who have positive connections, or “friends”, exhibit many attractive traits including cooperativeness and friendliness. This research is based on positive interactions; having a “friend” usually is interpreted as having a good, supportive friend. Deciphering which relationships are positive and negative depend on the delicate balance between cost-benefit (What’s in it for me?) and intimacy or coercion and emotional distance. Childhood friendships tend to be precursors for adolescent and adult relationships.
After recently learning and exploring egoic tendencies (thank you, Eckhart Tolle) and observing children first hand, it seems that some of our first unhealthy ideals about friendship start with possession and the development of the ego.
Many of the students that I teach after school (ages 5-10 mostly) have daily conflicts dealing with the whole “who is best friends with who” situation (albeit girls more verbally than boys). It seems the first real problems start with possession. The operative words being “my” and “mine”. Once they have established someone as their friend or best friend, the time spent with this person becomes, in their minds, more important than the time they spend with other friends. The staff spends a chunk of our time mediating between friends, best friends, and frenemies.
Many children simply fight over time spent with a friend that they consider to be close. When another child threatens that time, at least one of them walk away with hurt feelings. “(Insert name here) doesn’t want to be my friend anymore!” Cue a rush of tears and a deflated sense of self-worth. Conflicts and anguish ensue because there is worry associated with possession. The ego wants to possess things (and people) to help find an identity through them.
I’m sure you are thinking, these are kids; I’m an ADULT. But are you? If you are telling yourself that, it might be just a label you “identify” with. An adult isn’t who you are, though, but rather what you are— Meaning you can’t be an adult. That’s another topic for another blog, though. Moving on.
Friendships often materialize out of the necessity of the ego. The ego is like a cockroach that just will. not. DIE. It survives by identifying itself with things, people, labels or roles as well as latching onto anything negative. It could be that becoming friends with someone makes you “look good” or makes you feel better, smarter, more attractive; it could be about convenience and proximity. This is not necessarily right or wrong. All of these reasons, though, are of the ego and can be true whether carried unconsciously or voiced aloud. The inflated self-image that grows in association with this friend can cause an insincere relationship. Enter: Fake Friends.
It’s easier to identify “fake” relationships amongst kids. One minute they are friends, the next, they can’t be bothered. When it becomes convenient to be friends again, whether they need a playmate or the good markers, all is forgiven in the moment. Kids aren’t practiced enough in the art of hiding their true feelings or emotions. As we grow older, we become masters at this art because the ego must be protected at all times. Adults don’t forgive as easily, but they do forgive as frequently. Just know we’ll be bringing along our friend, resentment.
Take a moment to think about your experiences with friendship: How different are your friendships now from when you were younger? How many “grown folk” still act like children when their “best friend” gets closer to another friend, or remains friends with people they don’t actually like being around? You may have even experienced someone who, after a few conversations, starts to label you as their “Best Friend”. All of these behaviors begin in the sandbox and keep resurfacing like sand— months after a trip to the beach.
Contemplate the relationships that you’ve had in the past and present, whether those be friendships, familial relationships, or romantic relationships. Some may have lasted for several reasons; others may have ended for certain reasons as well. In our own personal experiences, there are conscious and unconscious habits, standards, and processes that help us navigate through friendships. You may find that many of these habitual behaviors began with some of your first friendships. We know that prior experiences pretty much shape our perceptions of ourselves and others around us. And though this may be true, it’s important for us to realize where we presently are in life and how to learn from past experiences, instead of carrying them with us to the next friendship we have.
Sometimes, it can be a toss-up trying to predict whether a friend will always “be around” or “turn their back on you”. The only thing that you can control is unpacking your long-term friendship baggage and putting it away in the closet.
—SW
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