Surviving a Long-Distance Relationship 101
Let’s talk about relationships: Long Distance.
Team #hopelessromantic over here.
It’s super obvious why they are so hard. When you want to be with someone, you want to be with them in every way possible; that can be physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Being in tune with a person, even when they live close to you, is a daunting task within itself. When they are not there on a regular basis, however, maintaining a connection can be a lot harder. Physical distance can often lead to emotional distance (harsh, but true) because many people express their love physically. Sex, physical affection and PDA are all things that keep relationships “hot and heavy”.
Sadly, past experiences and pop culture have left most people jaded about LDRs. It’s too hard or the effort it takes is just too much. Heard that before? I find this to be a bit ironic; what with the jetson-esque advancements of the last 20 years like video messaging and social platforms like snapchat. Many people can now at least attempt to develop/maintain a simulation of a physical relationship while living in a different place from their partner (unless you are a part of the 1% of people still getting catfished in 2019).
LDRs are nothing new, though. Before cell phones, telephones, email, and FaceTime, there was a romantic thing called a letter. Let me explain how it went down: Lovers who were separated by distance would express their love in the form of a personal handwritten letter. These old-timey couples would poetically scribble down their innermost thoughts and feelings to their lover, in hopes of a response that made them feel reassured about their situation. In fact, it seems as though the more technology advances, the more jaded lovers have become when it comes to putting in the effort that it takes to make it work. Ah, so the era of instant gratification bleeds into our relationships... among other things.
1. EQUAL EFFORT
First, let’s discuss effort and reciprocity. Before you can even imagine getting through a long- distance period in your relationship, whether new or old or somewhere in between, both partners have to be willing to put in the effort. That means if you are with someone and from the start they openly express that they believe that it “won’t work”— no matter what you do to counter those sentiments, the negativity is already out in the air. It’s over before it even starts. So, if you are considering an LDR, make sure you and your partner are on the same page; it’s of the utmost importance. Otherwise, you’re in for a shitty ride. Think of riding the little love boat ride in an amusement park, alone, with melted ice cream all over your hands. It’s sticky, sad, and lonely as fuck.
2. FAITH AND HOPE
So, with all the negative Nancy/Ned talk out of the way, lets address negative thoughts. I don’t feel like there is a “secret formula” for making it work, however there are some GENERAL things that you need inside of a relationship that can help lead to a long-lasting and meaningful connection. Firstly, you need to have faith in your connection and be hopeful for a future together. The whole premise of stepping (or leaping) into a relationship is that, it will go further than just a few fleeting moments. You most likely have high hopes for the future, and this is normal. Faith can be a little bit shakier though. Faith, or lack thereof, is a funny thing that can make or break a relationship. The two go hand in hand. If you go into a relationship, especially an LDR, with negative thoughts about the probability of it working out, it will be hard to bury those thoughts when things become difficult. Those negative thoughts will creep up and help to crush the hope of sustaining your connection in the near and distant future. However, starting with a positive charge of the two will give the battery of your relationship a little bit more longevity. Next, you need a good plan. I like this cell phone analogy so let’s just see where it goes.
3. A GOOD PLAN
Like a cell phone, you’re going to need a good plan. A service that gives you certain things, to ensure that you can get full and efficient use of your phone, as well as enjoyment, entertainment, etc. The same goes for an LDR— you need a plan, or a rhythm if you will. Most relationships have a certain rhythm to them. For instance, in non-LDRs you may wake up to your partner, eat breakfast together, enjoy morning sex, exercise, or something do else to bond with your partner before you go about your day. In an LDR, this is no different. You have to create some type of normalcy in your schedules. That could be sending each other inspirational or light-hearted text or video messages for the start of the day, or simply calling/video chatting while going about your morning routine. In a long-distance relationship, it’s so easy to feel disconnected with not only the person, but the happenings and goings on in their life. Which brings me to the next point.
4. ROUTINE CHECK-INS
At some point throughout the day, it’s essential to check in with your partner. Just as you would after a long day in a non-LDR, so must you do so in and LDR. It circles back to feeling like you are a part of each other’s lives. If you can’t make the effort to inform your partner about what is going on in your life, at least on a semi-regular basis, it will feel like a MAJOR task to do so once your daily little dramas have come to a head. Both parties in the relationship need the tools and the info to help assess, mediate or diffuse everyday situations for one another; or simply to lend an ear for venting. Give them the opportunity to be your friend. Friends not only want to be there for you, but a good friend generally is always there for you, in your corner to tell you when you are right and when you are out here slippin’. In relationships, friendship is key. If you don’t allow the other person to be there for you as you are facing life’s follies, you will eventually feel like they don’t know what you’re going through, and subsequently you may end up feeling like they don’t know you at all anymore. Aka, growing apart 101. That obviously goes both ways. Be there, and be engaged in your partner’s life. When a person isn’t around you physically, it’s easy to become self-absorbed, only caring about what you are going through. How do you know if you’re being self-absorbed? When you are finished talking about your day, and you’re ready to end the conversation... you might be a little self-interested. Don’t forget that it takes two; put in the effort to care about their day, and their world. Next, let’s talk about intimacy.
5. INTIMACY
I would say let’s talk about sex, but let’s be real. There may be little to no actual sex involved. In an exclusive (side-eye to the unfaithful or open relationship participants, but that’s another other blog for another time) long distance relationship, the sex can be few and very far in between. So, what do you do? I think the answer to that is: whatever you can do. I won’t sit up here and tell you what’s going to keep your sex life alive (that’s assuming you’re even having sex, for all my strong celibate couples out there! I see you!) But I will say that the same effort that it takes to keep a non-LDR sex-life alive, applies here. Get creative! If you trust your partner and feel comfortable sending sexy pics and videos, I say go for it; just remember they can possibly keep it forever and ever, and ever! If that’s not your thing, watching something scandalous together or even kicking it old school and having some good old-fashioned phone sex can do the trick. Sometimes even a little sexy talk/text about how you’re feeling and what you wish you could do can keep things spicy while your sex life simmers. This is a great time to take the opportunity to get to know yourself a little better. You may be able to teach your partner a few things about you when you are able to finally come...together. DISCLAIMER: Whatever you put out there in cyberspace, the cloud, text or social media can be out there forever! If you aren’t sure, have a conversation about privacy; it’s important!
6. SPONTANEITY
My last key to surviving an LDR would be: Be spontaneous. Normalcy is needed, but a little spontaneity can spice up any situation. Do something unexpected; that could be sending your partner a gift through the mail, sending them a romantic letter, or enlisting their friends and or family’s help to execute a surprise mission. In any relationship, people want to feel special and their partner is thinking about them, even with other things in their life going on. It doesn’t have to be a grandiose gesture or moment; it can be very simple. Think of what they like, their interests, or something that they’re into at the moment. If you aren’t sure... see number four.
I’m going to wrap this up by saying that the main thing that can help a long-distance relationship survive is the willingness on both sides to put in some extra effort. You’re going to have to sprinkle some positivity on that too. No one can maintain a relationship alone; it’s a team effort. Both teammates have to be in it to win it. If you find that you are the only person in the relationship suggesting, participating, or wanting to do any of the above things to make it work, then you may want to reassess the situation. The amount of effort you or your partner put in can teach you whether a person is willing to put in effort for the future of your relationship. It’s something to think about.
Like what you read or want to share an opinion? Leave a comment or shoot me an email! I want to hear your stories!
S.A.
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